20. The House of Blue Leaves

Book: The House of Blue Leaves

Author: John Guare

Number of pages: 80

What I’m watching: TV: It’s been half a year…

What I’m playing: I’m not even going to try to list everything…

 

 

 

 

 

            There is a reason this post took me half a year to write, but I will get into that later…

            Review #20. The big 2-0. I thought I might throwback to my earliest book choices and do another play. The House of Blue Leaves grabbed my eye. What could the title mean? The cover only refers to “a play.” Would it be a drama or a comedy? “Music and Lyrics By John Guare”? Is it a musical? Usually, my other scripts identified themselves on the cover; Why Worry: A Farce, Agnes of God: A Drama, Ten Little Indians: A Mystery. The House of Blue Leaves drew me in with an intriguing title and a mysterious genre.

            One of the first pages I get is the character list and setting. Looking down the names, I see Bunny Flingus, Bananas Shaughnessy, and Three Nuns (3). Okay, it sounds like John Guare is setting up for a comedy. The play is set on October 4, 1965. That’s my 49^th wedding negaversary! Is it a good sign? I hope so.

            The play comes with a prologue (5). I don’t know if I’ve ever seen that before. A character named Artie Shaughnessy performs at a bar and grill, singing a few songs while accompanying himself on piano. The scene is staged so that Artie is alone on stage and the theater house would be the bar and grill. It seems that Artie’s show doesn’t go over as well as he hoped. It’s a pretty novel opening to a play. Although, I didn’t find the lyrics to be anything special:

            Back together again,

            Back together again.

            Since we split up

            The skies we lit up

            Looked all bit up

            Like Fido chewed them. (5)

And:

            It seems I’m

            Looking for Something,

            But what can it be?

            I just need a someone

            To hold close to me. (6)

Pretty bland and mediocre, but maybe it’s because I’m missing the music to fit the lyrics. Well, I googled them. They aren’t terrible; John Guare composed some mediocre vaudeville type music to fit his mediocre lyrics. Then again, if Artie’s show was supposed to suck, it makes sense that his songs would suck.

            Alright, one scene down and I’m still unsure of the type of play I’m in for. On to Act I. Artie’s sleeping on the couch, mumbling about his teenage son Ronnie becoming the Pope. Who should show up but Ronnie, but he comes in by breaking through the window and heads to his bedroom. The doorbell rings “quickly, quickly like little mosquito jabs” (9). So far, this play comes off as exaggerated with the Pope-talk and the stage directions, which means I’m leaning toward comedy.

            In comes Bunny spouting nonsense to Artie that I can’t keep up with. Suddenly, she’s talking about astronomy: “you should see Orion – O’Ryan: the Irish constellation” (10). Was that a joke? Or is Bunny an idiot? I can’t tell. Turns out the nonsense she’s babbling about is the Pope’s coming to town today and everyone’s excited. Bunny keeps blathering on: “When famous people go to sleep at night, it’s us they dream of, Artie. The famous ones – they’re the real people. We’re the creatures of their dreams” (10-11). That’s a stupid thought.

Artie’s reaction to the Pope visiting: “What I want to know is who the hell is paying for this wop’s trip over here anyway…I don’t put my nickels and dimes in Sunday collections to pay for any dago holiday – flying over here with his robes and geegaws and bringing his buddies over” (11). What a complete racist shithead dick thing to say! The only thing that makes me feel any better is that Bunny is “shocked” by him, too (11).

The subject changes to his performance at the bar and grill. Artie’s down about it, but Bunny cheers him up. Artie “pulls Bunny by the pudgy arm” –Really, John Guare? How necessary is it to call her arm pudgy in a stage direction? – “over to the kitchen” (13). Artie asks her to cook breakfast, but that brings Bunny “near tears” and says, “You bend my arm and twist my heart but I got to be strong” (13). Why? WTF is happening? After a few pages of this, it turns out she’s saving her cooking for after they’re married:

     BUNNY: I’m not that kind of girl. I’ll sleep with you anytime you want. Anywhere. In the two months I’ve known you, did I refuse you once?

(Wait, they’ve only known each other for two months?!)

Not once! You want me…Give your fingers a smack and I’m flat on my back. I’ll sew those words into a sampler for you in our new home in California. We’ll hang it right by the front door. Because, Artie, I’m a rotten lay and I know it and you know it and everybody knows it…I’m not good in bed…My cooking is the only thing I got to lure you on with and hold you with. Artie, we got to keep some magic for the honeymoon. It’s my first honeymoon and I want it to be so good, I’m aiming for two million calories. I want to cook for you so bad I walk by the A&P, I get all hot jabs of chili powder inside my thighs. (15)

The idea is kinda funny, but mostly it’s weird and sad. She’s got practically zero self-worth, thinking her food is the only thing that can keep them together. And with that in mind, she’s using her food to “lure” him into marriage, to trap him into commitment.

Bunny leaves to pour Artie some cereal. In walks Bananas, Artie’s wife. Turns out, she has mental health problems. Is that why she’s called Bananas? Tasteless. So I guess that Artie is not only pressuring his girlfriend into giving up the only thing with which she values about herself, he’s doing it while cheating on his wife, on his sick wife, while his sick wife is in the other room. And he hates the Pope. Is this a comedy? I haven’t laughed yet. Bananas has a spasm and Artie gives her a pill. He tells her about his dream about Pope Ronnie:

     ARTIE: I dreamed last night that Ronnie was the Pope and he came today and all the streets were lined with everybody waiting to meet him…And it was raining everywhere but on him and when he saw you and me on Queens Boulevard, he stopped his glass limo and I stepped into the bubble, but you didn’t. He wouldn’t take you.

     BANANAS: He would take me!
     ARTIE: (Triumphant.) Your own son denied you. Slammed the door in your face and you had open-toe shoes on and the water ran in the heels and out the toes like two Rin Tin Tins taking a leak – and Ronnie…made me a saint of the Church and in charge of writing all the hymns…and the whole congregation sang…You weren’t invited, Bananas. Ronnie loved only me…What a dream…it’s awful to have to wake up. (18)

What a horrible dick thing to say! Honestly, every other line that comes out of Artie’s mouth makes me angry and go “WTF?!”

            Next, Bunny and Bananas finally meet:

     BUNNY: Bananas! What a name! (22)

Bunny makes fun of her for being crazy, and Bananas makes fun of her in her own crazy way. Artie wants to send Bananas to an institution. Turns out the mental hospital is the house with blue leaves. Artie actually tries to be gentle with Bananas during this scene, but Bunny acts like a complete asshole:

     ARTIE: I talked to the doctor…You’ll like the place…A lot of famous people have had crackdowns there, so you’ll be running in good company.

     BANANAS: Shock treatments?

     ARTIE: No. No shock treatments.

     BANANAS: You swear?

     BUNNY: If she needs them, she’ll get them.
                 ARTIE: I’m handling this my way.

     BUNNY: I’m sick of you kowtowing to her. Those poison fumes that come out of her hear make me dizzy – suffering – look at her – what does she know about suffering? (22-23)

I can’t believe these characters! Artie and Bunny are unbelievably ignorant and cruel, and this play is supposed to be funny?

Bunny asks Artie to call his Hollywood friend Billy, even though he’s probably out partying, “frigging and frugging and swinging and eating and dancing. Since Georgina died, he’s probably got a brace of nude starlets splashing in the pool” (25). Yep, he sounds just like the type of guy Artie would like. Next, they’re talking about movies they’ve seen, and Bunny asks about the latest Doris Day/Rock Hudson flick.
                 BANANAS: I didn’t see that…

     ARTIE: (Mocking.) Bananas doesn’t go out of the house. (26)

WHY ARE THEY SO AWFUL?

            So, Artie calls Billy, and honestly, what he says over the phone is worse than anything I’ve heard so far. After a minute, Billy asks about Bananas:

     ARTIE: Bananas is fine. She’s right here…Billy, this sounds cruel to say, but Bananas is as dead for me as Georgina is for you. I’m in love with a remarkable, wonderful girl – yeah, she’s here too – who I should’ve married years ago – no, we didn’t know her years ago – I only met here two months ago…[at] this health club…I went into this steam room and there was Bunny…she couldn’t see me and she started talking about the weight she had to take off and the food she had to give up…well, you know me and food and I got so excited and the steam’s getting thicker and thicker and I ripped off my towel and kind of raped her…and she was quiet for a long time and then she finally said one of the greatest lines of all time…She said, “There’s a man in here… (27-28)

That is wrong on just so many levels my head might explode.

1. Artie minimizing Georgina’s death.

2. Artie raping a stranger.

3. Artie raping a stranger because she talked about food.

4. The stranger being okay and making a joke after being raped.

5. Artie raping a stranger being the story of how two people fell in love.

6. Artie happy to share his rape/love story with Billy.

7. Artie and Bunny falling in love by rape while Artie is still married to Bananas.

Did I mention I can’t stand these people?

Bunny leaves, but not without some blasphemy, saying to Artie, “Hello, John the Baptist. That’s who you are. John the Baptist. You called Billy and prepared the way – the way for yourself. Oh Christ” (30). There’s another rare moment between just Artie and Bananas when Artie speaks kindly, saying “We used to have fun. Sometimes I miss you so much…” (32). But it’s short-lived and he’s a dick again and Bunny shows up again with some of Artie’s sheet music. They want to get it blessed by the Pope or something. Bananas takes it and Bunny screams at her “You witch! You’ll be in Bellevue tonight with enough shock treatments they can plug Times Square into your ear” (34). Fuck’s sake! Leave the poor woman alone or show some goddamn compassion!

            Everyone leaves, and Ronnie (remember him from the top of the Act?) shows up again and Act I ends with Ronnie holding a box and staring at the audience. Two words: Creepy, and Why?! So far, this is probably the worst thing I’ve ever read in my life. Artie and Bunny are maddeningly disgusting characters.

            As much as it pains me to go on…Act II. Ronnie’s where we left him. He’s full of “deep, suffocated, religious fervor. His eyes bulge with a strange mixture of terrifying innocence and diabolism. You can’t figure out whether he’d be a gargoyle on some Gothic cathedral or a skinny cherub on some altar” (35). That is some weird-ass stage direction. I’d hate to try playing that. Of course, I’d hate being a part of this show at all. Ronnie gives a long monologue about how everybody thinks he’s nothing: his father, Billy, the army. Ronnie leaves again.

            Billy’s girlfriend – I guess he did move on quickly – shows up. Her name’s Corrinna and she’s an actress or something. Corrinna breaks the fourth wall to tell the audience that she uses a hearing aid, but doesn’t want us to tell because she doesn’t “want them to think Billy’s going around with some deaf girl” (39). What is wrong with these people that a girl has to hide that she’s deaf for fear of being dumped?!

            Three nuns break into the room (remember them?) because they were climbing the building to get a better look at the Pope. They missed him in person and want to see it on Artie’s TV. The three of them fall into bickering. Corrinna loses her hearing aid. Bananas shows up and calls Bunny fat. Bunny calls Bananas a dog. Everyone is just so unnecessarily callous.

            Artie wants to impress Corrinna with his music so she and Billy will help Artie get into Hollywood. Artie plays some of his songs, but Corrinna cannot hear since she’s lost her hearing aid. Bananas makes a request for one of Artie’s older songs. She makes him realize that his song ripped off “White Christmas.” He responds by smashing the piano keyboard cover on her fingers. Bananas gets upset and Bunny slaps her. Bananas promises to take her pills and accidentally swallows Corrinna’s hearing aid, which apparently fell in the pill bottle. Corrinna heads out the door, announcing she’s headed to Australia with Billy for an ear operation. Ronnie shows up with his box:
                 RONNIE: Pop, I’m going to blow up the Pope. (48)

Honestly? Goddammit…

            No one pays him any attention. Corrinna offers up her two tickets to see the Pope. Ronnie grabs the tickets, but the nuns chase after him. Someone comes to arrest Ronnie for being AWOL and joins the chase. They catch him. Ronnie gives the nuns the tickets. He gives Corrinna his bomb, which is wrapped as a gift. The nuns leave. Corrinna leaves, but first invites Artie out to Hollywood. Someone comes to take Bananas to the institution, but gets mixed up and takes Bunny instead. So, almost everyone is out in the hallway when an explosion happens. Yep, the bomb goes off in the hall. End scene. So, still zero laughs, but I feel like this play is supposed to be a comedy. With that in mind, I predicted that the explosion would fix Corrinna’s hearing.

            The next scene starts up with Billy sobbing, having had to come identify Corrinna’s blown up body. She fucking died?! I guess I was wrong. Bananas enters and seems to be her most cognizant with Billy. One of the nuns shows up again. The other two were killed. Ronnie’s in jail. And the worst part of all, in all the grief and pain and anger surrounding Ronnie’s triple murder, Artie is still trying to push his songs on Billy. But Bunny swoops in again, and raises the bar of selfishness/tackiness/insensitivity:

     BUNNY: Mr. Einhorn, I met your friend today before Hiroshima Mon Amour happened out there…Deaf starlets. That’s no life…Crying and explanations won’t bring her back. Mr. Einhorn, if it took all this to get you here, I kiss the calendar for today. Grief puts erasers in my ears. My world is kept a beautiful place. Artie…I feel a song coming on. (59)

Somehow, Billy isn’t offended. On the contrary, Bunny cooks Billy a bite to eat and suddenly Billy is ready “drop off Corrinna’s body” and fly Bunny to Australia in his dead girlfriend’s place (60). Are you kidding me?!

            Adding to this mess, apparently no one figured out the explosion was Ronnie’s fault. I guess he’s only in jail for being AWOL, not for killing half the cast. Billy pulls some strings to not only get Ronnie out of jail, but to have him sent to Rome instead of Vietnam like everyone else. The surviving nun says “maybe when I take my final vows I can cross my fingers and they won’t count” (61). As in, she wants to keep herself available for Ronnie. Good grief!

            Billy leaves with Bunny, but not before telling Artie to stay with Bananas, to not send her to the house of blue leaves. So Artie and Bananas are all alone. Bananas forgives Artie for Bunny and promises to be better. Then she sits and barks like a dog. Rather than try to put the ending into words, I can only repeat what John Guare wrote because it’s too fucking ridiculous. I don’t want to believe it, but:

     Bananas begins barking. She crawls on all fours. She barks happily. She wags her behind. She licks Artie’s hands. Artie looks at her. He touches the piano. She rubs her face against his pants leg, nuzzling him. She whimpers happily. She barks. She sits up, begging, her hands tucked under her chin. Her hands swing out. She knocks the music on the floor. She rubs her face into Artie’s legs. He pats her head. She is thrilled. He kneels down in front of her. He is crying. He touches her face. She beams. She licks his hand. He kisses her. He strokes her throat. He looks away. He holds her. He kisses her fully. She kisses him. He leans into her. She looks up at him with a beautiful smile as his hands go softly on her throat as if she had always been waiting for this. He kisses her temples, her cheeks. His hands tighten around her throat. Their bodies blend as he moves on top of her. He lays her body gently on the floor. Soft piano music plays. The stage begins to change. Blue leaves begin to filter all over the room until it looks like Artie is standing in a forest of leaves that are blue. A blue spotlight appears D. and he steps into it. He is very happy and smiles at us. (64)

Then he sings a song and the play ends.

WHAT?! Are you serious?! After all that, he kills her? Is Bananas happy he kills her? Is it supposed to be a mercy killing? Or out of frustration that everything Artie worked toward during the whole play just vanished out the door? Does he end up going crazy himself? Is this really supposed to a comedy?

After Act I, I said The House of Blue Leaves was probably the worst thing I’ve ever read. Now, having read the full script, I can confidently say that this book has topped all others (or should I say bottomed) as the absolute worst book I’ve ever seen. Artie and Bunny are two of the most despicable characters I’ve ever seen. What makes it worse is that Bunny gets swept off an Australian vacation with a hotshot Hollywood producer, and Artie may be committed in the end, but he’s happy. Artie’s a bigger douche than Socrates or Reverend Eddie or even Faustus, plus he gets away with it.

Plato’s Five Dialogues may be the dumbest thing I’ve read, Pearl S. Buck’s The Good Earth may be the most boring thing I’ve ever read, and up until this script I might have said that Ernest Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea was my least favorite book. But without a doubt, John Guare has set a new low. Review #20 marks a huge milestone for me in my lifetime as a reader. The House of Blue Leaves is the worst thing I’ve ever read. It even took me half a year to bring myself up to writing about it…

But if you’re reading this review and John Guare’s romp through mental illness, adultery, and death sounds right up your alley, you’re in luck! There are two recommendations at the back of the book:

Knock Knock: A Farce by Jules Feiffer

     …Cohn, an atheistic ex-musician is the housekeeper “half” of this “odd couple.” Abe, an agnostic ex-stockbroker is the practical “half.” They have lived together for twenty years – are bored to tears with one another and constantly squabble. Cohn, exasperated, wishes for intelligent company and on the scene enters one Wiseman who appears in many roles and is part Mephistopheles, part Groucho Marx. The Joan of Arc appears before the couple telling them her mission is to recruit two of every species for a spaceship trip to heaven. After that all antic hell breaks loose and continues to a mad ending…

Little Murders: A Comedy by Jules Feiffer

     …A modern metropolitan family of matriarchal mother, milquetoast father, normal cuddly sister, and brother who is trying to adapt himself to homosexuality. Sister’s fiancé is a fellow who knows how to roll with the punches; he figures that if you daydream while being mugged, it won’t hurt so much. They have a hard time finding a preacher who will marry them without pronouncing the name of God. But they succeed, to their sorrow. For immediately afterward sister is killed by a sniper’s bullet. A detective who has a stack of unsolved crimes suspects that there is a “subtle pattern” forming here. ‘Little Murders’ is fantastically funny. (80)

…

…What the hell?

 

Verdict (Is the book staying or going?): For the love of God and all that is holy, this book is going!

 

Works Cited

Guare, John. The House of Blue Leaves. New York: Samuel French Inc, 1971. Print.