21. Avenue Q

Book: Avenue Q: The Musical

Author: Music and Lyrics by Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx, Book by Jeff Whitty

Number of pages: 154

What I’m watching: I’m going to take a break from posting everything I’m watching/playing.

What I’m playing: If I want to write about something, I’ll save it for my recap.

 

 

 

 

            Well, after that steaming pile of John Guano, I needed to pick something I knew would be safe. I have the libretto for Avenue Q, a Broadway Musical from 2003, known by many as an adult version of Sesame Street.¹ In 2004, I was lucky enough to visit New York City with my high school theater group. Sadly, as circumstances would have it, I didn’t join them as they saw Avenue Q on Broadway. But, I heard great reviews from my friends, and one friend even bought me some sweet Avenue Q merch, including a deleted song from the show. So, I’ve known the soundtrack for over a decade and have heard hints about the plot, but now it’s finally time to connect all the dots and read what Avenue Q’s all about.

            I get a good feeling right away with the book. I read that “Avenue Q won three 2004 Tony Awards: Best Musical, Best Score (Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx), and Best Book (Jeff Whitty)” (viii). I’m reading not only an award-winning musical, not only a triple award-winning musical, but a triple award-winning musical in the awards that actually matter with reading the libretto.² There shouldn’t be anything to worry about, right?³

            Looking at the cast of characters, I notice that Kate Monster is a kindergarten teacher’s assistant. I’m already learning something new about Avenue Q. I thought Kate Monster was the teacher because Mrs. Thistletwat, the actual teacher, doesn’t exist in the soundtrack. Lucy the Slut is called a “vixen-ish vamp” (ix). As in vampire? Or is that some hip slang I don’t know? If you don’t know or haven’t guessed, some of the characters are puppets.

Also, Gary Coleman is a character: “Yes, that Gary Coleman. He lives on the Avenue, too” (ix). I wonder if there was a production of the show at the time of Gary Coleman’s death; I wonder how they would’ve handled it.

            It’s going to be strange writing this review because I do know a good amount of the story since I’m already familiar with all the songs and most of the characters. I wonder how I’ll react to the play now that I’m older; I first heard all this when I was in high school, but now I’m a mid-20’s college graduate struggling with a lot of problems these characters face. Like right off the bat, the first words of the play:

            The sun is shining, It’s a lovely day,

            A perfect morning for a kid to play,

            But you’ve got lots of bills to pay –

            What can you do? (1)

I know, right? Fuckin’ bills. They suck.

In walks Princeton, who just graduated from college, asking/singing “What do you do with a B.A. in English?” (1). Well, I’m writing a blog that nobody reads.

All the characters come and complain about how much their lives suck, and it’s funny, and then they do a dance break on page 7. I would’ve liked to have seen a puppet dance break.

            The show moves along at a pretty good clip. By the end of the first scene, all the major characters have established themselves, and the romantic storyline between Princeton and Kate Monster is already developing. The next scene is Avenue Q’s take on Bert & Ernie, or Rod & Nicky, respectively. In this version, Rod is gay, but not openly. Nicky sings him a song to show his support for Rod if he were gay. It’s a great song, the music’s catchy, and I love the lyrics:

            If you were queer

            I’d still be here

            Year after year

            Because you’re dear

            To me

            …

            You can count of me

            To always be

            Beside you every day

            To tell you it’s okay,

            You were just born that way,

            And as they say,

            It’s in your DNA,

            You’re Gay! (17-18)

It’s clever, and I can see how Avenue Q did so well at the Tony’s. I’m going to go ahead and say that pretty much all the songs are smart and sing-along-able.

            Next scene is Gary Coleman helping Princeton move into his new apartment. Princeton wonders what his purpose in life is, when “suddenly, the video screen springs to life with an animated instructional video” (20). That’s awesome. I wish I could’ve seen that. Soon, Princeton is singing and “his moving boxes join in” (21). Damn, I wish I could’ve seen that, too.⁴

After the song, everybody goes around saying their own purpose, and Princeton asks Kate about hers. She wants to open a special school for monsters. They’re interested in each other, but both end up making comments which the other finds offensive. Cue the song “Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist.” Part of me is reading Avenue Q and wondering if the material is at all dated or if the jokes have gone at all stale. I learn how Christmas Eve, a Japanese therapist and Brian’s fiancé, is scripted to say the word recyclables: “lecycuraburs” (32). And that’s a little bit racist.

Princeton reaches a point at which he almost discovers his purpose, but is persuaded by two teddy bears to blow his money and get wasted. Would he have figured out his purpose?  The world will never know. This is a scene I knew nothing about, so I’m glad I have the libretto.

Next, Kate Monster prepares a class lesson on the internet. Trekkie Monster interrupts her and sings about porn. Again, hahaha, it’s funny, but I also wonder if the writers didn’t just begin by brainstorming all the offensive and controversial topics they wanted to insert, for the sake of making their musical controversial. And, at times the show is so left-wing, it can be a little annoying. For instance, when Rod is struggling with his homosexuality and talking to Christmas Eve:
                 ROD: Well – I have this friend…I think my friend is gay.

CHRISTMAS EVE: What wrong with that? You know, Rod, gay people make major contribution to art and philosophy and literature for many hundreds of years now.

ROD: But my friend isn’t an artist – he’s a Republican. And an investment banker.

CHRISTMAS EVE: Ew, well, tell him to stay in closet then. He good for nothing…I wouldn’t want a friend like that. (48-49)

That’s a jerk thing to say. And later, her fiancé does a stand-up routine at a local club and she doesn’t even clap after his “big finish” (56). I guess I don’t like Christmas Eve.

            At the club, Lucy the Slut sings a song, “has a dance break and dazzles the guys with her sexiness” (58). Lol. Kate and Princeton are on a date where the bears show up again and suggest the drinking game, “I bet I can drink faster than you” (61). Ha! Kate leaves for a moment for more drinks, and Lucy comes over to flirt with Princeton, offering him a chance with “a real woman” (65). It’s funny cuz she’s a puppet. Princeton, however, sticks with Kate. Before too long, they’re drunk and “they begin to mash” (66). Whatever that means. They go to Kate’s place for drunk sex, while Gary Coleman sings about it. It’s not my favorite song.

            Next comes “Fantasies Come True,” which might be my favorite song. Princeton and Kate sing about their feelings for each other, while Rod finds out Nicky is also secretly gay, and Rod’s feelings for Nicky are returned. At the end, though, Rod’s part of the song was merely a dream.

            Later, it’s Brian and Christmas Eve’s wedding. Nicky outs Rod to everyone there. Rod gets upset and kicks Nicky out of the apartment. Princeton and Kate go as boyfriend/girlfriend; Kate catches the bouquet. “Well, some little girl caught it, but she wasn’t very strong” (88). Ha! Princeton sees some weird nightmare and breaks up with Kate because he needs time to focus on finding his purpose. I never understood that reason to dump someone. Princeton can’t both see Kate and find his purpose? Dumb. Act I ends with Kate singing “There’s a Fine, Fine Line.” It’s a downer of a finale.

            Act II begins with Princeton wallowing in self-pity. His friends come and convince him to hook up with Lucy. Princeton and Lucy run into Kate Monster:

            KATE: Is she a friend of yours?

            PRINCETON: Yeah.

            KATE: Is her name “Purpose”? (103)

Oooh, that's cold, and yet, a burn!

            Later, Christmas Eve convinces Kate to work things out with Princeton as “friends.” Kate writes a note to Princeton to meet her at midnight at the top of the Empire State Building. I’m not sure if that’s exactly what just “friends” do. Kate gives the note to Lucy to give to Princeton. Of course, Lucy throws the note away. Who wouldn’t see that coming?

            That night, Lucy dumps Princeton. They happen to be at the foot of the Empire State Building. Kate happens to make a wish on a penny at the top of the Empire State Building. She throws the penny, which happens to land on Lucy. She’s rushed off to puppet hospital, where Princeton and Kate start to patch things up.

Cut to Rod feeling sad lonely after kicking Nicky out. So far, a lot of Act II’s plot is new for me, taking place in action and dialogue outside of the soundtrack. Princeton runs into Nicky, and they both decide to do something nice for Kate and Rod, respectively. Princeton wants to raise money for Kate’s monster school. Nicky wants to find a boyfriend for Rod. Trekkie invests $10 million to support the monster school. Nicky finds Ricky, “someone who looks exactly like Nicky, but gay” (139). I like that. Princeton and Kate are getting along again, and Nicky moves back in with Rod. Christmas Eve says some other stuff that solidifies my distaste for her. Lucy wakes up from her coma as a born-again Christian. Everyone’s feeling good about themselves, except Gary Coleman. And yet, Princeton still hasn’t found his purpose, and the show ends with a bittersweet song about how “everything in life is only for now” (148).

At the end of the book is a short afterward by the writer Jeff Whitty. One of the jokes in the last song is that George Bush “is only for now” (147). Apparently, Avenue Q opened right after America’s invasion of Iraq, so anything anti-Bush “was frowned upon by nearly everyone…[and the joke] received a deafening response from audiences thirsty for any hint of irreverence toward that particular leader” (150). But I’ve always wondered what productions of Avenue Q have said since Bush has left office. I learned that “Fox News” and “BP” have been the best replacements. And, my earlier wondering about Gary Coleman’s death is answered; there was a little bit of alteration to the script. Jeff Whitty ends his afterward enigmatically stating that he deleted one word from the script, but gave no hint as to which. I also learned at the end that Avenue Q started as a response to Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx having a spec script turned down by the Jim Henson Company. Neat little tidbit.

It’s a funny show with great songs. Admittedly, knowing all the music beforehand really helped me enjoy the libretto. It was interesting to see that the lyrics in the script didn’t always match up perfectly with the soundtrack. I’m glad to finally know the full story. I like some characters more now, and I like some characters less. I can fully appreciate the show, and maybe one day, I can see a production of Avenue Q and I can more fully fully appreciate it.

 

Verdict (Is the book staying or going?): Staying, but I guess, in a sense, only for now...

 

Notes

1. And for the curious:

Avenue Q: Sesame Street = x: Avenue Q. What is x? Answer = Wondershowzen

2. Great costumes, set design, or directing won’t help me enjoy the script.

3. Now I gotta quick make sure The House of Blue Leaves didn’t win any awards…Googling…Wikipedia…Oh no…Ohhhhhh! The House of Blue Leaves: A Black Comedy! It all makes sense now. It’s still absolute shit, though.

4. Hopefully, that doesn’t become the dominant comment for this blog. I guess I’ll have to imagine it, a la The Drowsy Chaperone.

 

Works Cited

Whitty, Jeff, Robert Lopez, and Jeff Marx. Avenue Q: The Musical.

Milwaukee, WI: Applause Theatre & Cinema Books, 2010. Print.

11-20 Recap

         Man, after that last book I had to take a break from my blog. I read books without reviewing if I wanted to keep them. Over the summer, I had the privilege of meeting Christopher Moore at a book release for his Serpent of Venice. I shook his hand and he signed my copy of Lamb.

My fiancé and I picked up four more Moore books and we had a reading Moore-athon. I also read Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and the Percy Jackson series.

 

Wedding Update: It happened! I’m married. And I couldn’t be luckier.

My wife and I moved from Milwaukee’s East Side to Wauwatosa’s East Side. I got a better job, and we got a second cat.

Movies: I actually had my Tarantino marathon! It wasn’t complete, but I still got in Django Unchained, Kill Bill Volumes 1 and 2, and Reservoir Dogs.

 

Running Total: 10 Staying, 11 Going.

20. The House of Blue Leaves

Book: The House of Blue Leaves

Author: John Guare

Number of pages: 80

What I’m watching: TV: It’s been half a year…

What I’m playing: I’m not even going to try to list everything…

 

 

 

 

 

            There is a reason this post took me half a year to write, but I will get into that later…

            Review #20. The big 2-0. I thought I might throwback to my earliest book choices and do another play. The House of Blue Leaves grabbed my eye. What could the title mean? The cover only refers to “a play.” Would it be a drama or a comedy? “Music and Lyrics By John Guare”? Is it a musical? Usually, my other scripts identified themselves on the cover; Why Worry: A Farce, Agnes of God: A Drama, Ten Little Indians: A Mystery. The House of Blue Leaves drew me in with an intriguing title and a mysterious genre.

            One of the first pages I get is the character list and setting. Looking down the names, I see Bunny Flingus, Bananas Shaughnessy, and Three Nuns (3). Okay, it sounds like John Guare is setting up for a comedy. The play is set on October 4, 1965. That’s my 49^th wedding negaversary! Is it a good sign? I hope so.

            The play comes with a prologue (5). I don’t know if I’ve ever seen that before. A character named Artie Shaughnessy performs at a bar and grill, singing a few songs while accompanying himself on piano. The scene is staged so that Artie is alone on stage and the theater house would be the bar and grill. It seems that Artie’s show doesn’t go over as well as he hoped. It’s a pretty novel opening to a play. Although, I didn’t find the lyrics to be anything special:

            Back together again,

            Back together again.

            Since we split up

            The skies we lit up

            Looked all bit up

            Like Fido chewed them. (5)

And:

            It seems I’m

            Looking for Something,

            But what can it be?

            I just need a someone

            To hold close to me. (6)

Pretty bland and mediocre, but maybe it’s because I’m missing the music to fit the lyrics. Well, I googled them. They aren’t terrible; John Guare composed some mediocre vaudeville type music to fit his mediocre lyrics. Then again, if Artie’s show was supposed to suck, it makes sense that his songs would suck.

            Alright, one scene down and I’m still unsure of the type of play I’m in for. On to Act I. Artie’s sleeping on the couch, mumbling about his teenage son Ronnie becoming the Pope. Who should show up but Ronnie, but he comes in by breaking through the window and heads to his bedroom. The doorbell rings “quickly, quickly like little mosquito jabs” (9). So far, this play comes off as exaggerated with the Pope-talk and the stage directions, which means I’m leaning toward comedy.

            In comes Bunny spouting nonsense to Artie that I can’t keep up with. Suddenly, she’s talking about astronomy: “you should see Orion – O’Ryan: the Irish constellation” (10). Was that a joke? Or is Bunny an idiot? I can’t tell. Turns out the nonsense she’s babbling about is the Pope’s coming to town today and everyone’s excited. Bunny keeps blathering on: “When famous people go to sleep at night, it’s us they dream of, Artie. The famous ones – they’re the real people. We’re the creatures of their dreams” (10-11). That’s a stupid thought.

Artie’s reaction to the Pope visiting: “What I want to know is who the hell is paying for this wop’s trip over here anyway…I don’t put my nickels and dimes in Sunday collections to pay for any dago holiday – flying over here with his robes and geegaws and bringing his buddies over” (11). What a complete racist shithead dick thing to say! The only thing that makes me feel any better is that Bunny is “shocked” by him, too (11).

The subject changes to his performance at the bar and grill. Artie’s down about it, but Bunny cheers him up. Artie “pulls Bunny by the pudgy arm” –Really, John Guare? How necessary is it to call her arm pudgy in a stage direction? – “over to the kitchen” (13). Artie asks her to cook breakfast, but that brings Bunny “near tears” and says, “You bend my arm and twist my heart but I got to be strong” (13). Why? WTF is happening? After a few pages of this, it turns out she’s saving her cooking for after they’re married:

     BUNNY: I’m not that kind of girl. I’ll sleep with you anytime you want. Anywhere. In the two months I’ve known you, did I refuse you once?

(Wait, they’ve only known each other for two months?!)

Not once! You want me…Give your fingers a smack and I’m flat on my back. I’ll sew those words into a sampler for you in our new home in California. We’ll hang it right by the front door. Because, Artie, I’m a rotten lay and I know it and you know it and everybody knows it…I’m not good in bed…My cooking is the only thing I got to lure you on with and hold you with. Artie, we got to keep some magic for the honeymoon. It’s my first honeymoon and I want it to be so good, I’m aiming for two million calories. I want to cook for you so bad I walk by the A&P, I get all hot jabs of chili powder inside my thighs. (15)

The idea is kinda funny, but mostly it’s weird and sad. She’s got practically zero self-worth, thinking her food is the only thing that can keep them together. And with that in mind, she’s using her food to “lure” him into marriage, to trap him into commitment.

Bunny leaves to pour Artie some cereal. In walks Bananas, Artie’s wife. Turns out, she has mental health problems. Is that why she’s called Bananas? Tasteless. So I guess that Artie is not only pressuring his girlfriend into giving up the only thing with which she values about herself, he’s doing it while cheating on his wife, on his sick wife, while his sick wife is in the other room. And he hates the Pope. Is this a comedy? I haven’t laughed yet. Bananas has a spasm and Artie gives her a pill. He tells her about his dream about Pope Ronnie:

     ARTIE: I dreamed last night that Ronnie was the Pope and he came today and all the streets were lined with everybody waiting to meet him…And it was raining everywhere but on him and when he saw you and me on Queens Boulevard, he stopped his glass limo and I stepped into the bubble, but you didn’t. He wouldn’t take you.

     BANANAS: He would take me!
     ARTIE: (Triumphant.) Your own son denied you. Slammed the door in your face and you had open-toe shoes on and the water ran in the heels and out the toes like two Rin Tin Tins taking a leak – and Ronnie…made me a saint of the Church and in charge of writing all the hymns…and the whole congregation sang…You weren’t invited, Bananas. Ronnie loved only me…What a dream…it’s awful to have to wake up. (18)

What a horrible dick thing to say! Honestly, every other line that comes out of Artie’s mouth makes me angry and go “WTF?!”

            Next, Bunny and Bananas finally meet:

     BUNNY: Bananas! What a name! (22)

Bunny makes fun of her for being crazy, and Bananas makes fun of her in her own crazy way. Artie wants to send Bananas to an institution. Turns out the mental hospital is the house with blue leaves. Artie actually tries to be gentle with Bananas during this scene, but Bunny acts like a complete asshole:

     ARTIE: I talked to the doctor…You’ll like the place…A lot of famous people have had crackdowns there, so you’ll be running in good company.

     BANANAS: Shock treatments?

     ARTIE: No. No shock treatments.

     BANANAS: You swear?

     BUNNY: If she needs them, she’ll get them.
                 ARTIE: I’m handling this my way.

     BUNNY: I’m sick of you kowtowing to her. Those poison fumes that come out of her hear make me dizzy – suffering – look at her – what does she know about suffering? (22-23)

I can’t believe these characters! Artie and Bunny are unbelievably ignorant and cruel, and this play is supposed to be funny?

Bunny asks Artie to call his Hollywood friend Billy, even though he’s probably out partying, “frigging and frugging and swinging and eating and dancing. Since Georgina died, he’s probably got a brace of nude starlets splashing in the pool” (25). Yep, he sounds just like the type of guy Artie would like. Next, they’re talking about movies they’ve seen, and Bunny asks about the latest Doris Day/Rock Hudson flick.
                 BANANAS: I didn’t see that…

     ARTIE: (Mocking.) Bananas doesn’t go out of the house. (26)

WHY ARE THEY SO AWFUL?

            So, Artie calls Billy, and honestly, what he says over the phone is worse than anything I’ve heard so far. After a minute, Billy asks about Bananas:

     ARTIE: Bananas is fine. She’s right here…Billy, this sounds cruel to say, but Bananas is as dead for me as Georgina is for you. I’m in love with a remarkable, wonderful girl – yeah, she’s here too – who I should’ve married years ago – no, we didn’t know her years ago – I only met here two months ago…[at] this health club…I went into this steam room and there was Bunny…she couldn’t see me and she started talking about the weight she had to take off and the food she had to give up…well, you know me and food and I got so excited and the steam’s getting thicker and thicker and I ripped off my towel and kind of raped her…and she was quiet for a long time and then she finally said one of the greatest lines of all time…She said, “There’s a man in here… (27-28)

That is wrong on just so many levels my head might explode.

1. Artie minimizing Georgina’s death.

2. Artie raping a stranger.

3. Artie raping a stranger because she talked about food.

4. The stranger being okay and making a joke after being raped.

5. Artie raping a stranger being the story of how two people fell in love.

6. Artie happy to share his rape/love story with Billy.

7. Artie and Bunny falling in love by rape while Artie is still married to Bananas.

Did I mention I can’t stand these people?

Bunny leaves, but not without some blasphemy, saying to Artie, “Hello, John the Baptist. That’s who you are. John the Baptist. You called Billy and prepared the way – the way for yourself. Oh Christ” (30). There’s another rare moment between just Artie and Bananas when Artie speaks kindly, saying “We used to have fun. Sometimes I miss you so much…” (32). But it’s short-lived and he’s a dick again and Bunny shows up again with some of Artie’s sheet music. They want to get it blessed by the Pope or something. Bananas takes it and Bunny screams at her “You witch! You’ll be in Bellevue tonight with enough shock treatments they can plug Times Square into your ear” (34). Fuck’s sake! Leave the poor woman alone or show some goddamn compassion!

            Everyone leaves, and Ronnie (remember him from the top of the Act?) shows up again and Act I ends with Ronnie holding a box and staring at the audience. Two words: Creepy, and Why?! So far, this is probably the worst thing I’ve ever read in my life. Artie and Bunny are maddeningly disgusting characters.

            As much as it pains me to go on…Act II. Ronnie’s where we left him. He’s full of “deep, suffocated, religious fervor. His eyes bulge with a strange mixture of terrifying innocence and diabolism. You can’t figure out whether he’d be a gargoyle on some Gothic cathedral or a skinny cherub on some altar” (35). That is some weird-ass stage direction. I’d hate to try playing that. Of course, I’d hate being a part of this show at all. Ronnie gives a long monologue about how everybody thinks he’s nothing: his father, Billy, the army. Ronnie leaves again.

            Billy’s girlfriend – I guess he did move on quickly – shows up. Her name’s Corrinna and she’s an actress or something. Corrinna breaks the fourth wall to tell the audience that she uses a hearing aid, but doesn’t want us to tell because she doesn’t “want them to think Billy’s going around with some deaf girl” (39). What is wrong with these people that a girl has to hide that she’s deaf for fear of being dumped?!

            Three nuns break into the room (remember them?) because they were climbing the building to get a better look at the Pope. They missed him in person and want to see it on Artie’s TV. The three of them fall into bickering. Corrinna loses her hearing aid. Bananas shows up and calls Bunny fat. Bunny calls Bananas a dog. Everyone is just so unnecessarily callous.

            Artie wants to impress Corrinna with his music so she and Billy will help Artie get into Hollywood. Artie plays some of his songs, but Corrinna cannot hear since she’s lost her hearing aid. Bananas makes a request for one of Artie’s older songs. She makes him realize that his song ripped off “White Christmas.” He responds by smashing the piano keyboard cover on her fingers. Bananas gets upset and Bunny slaps her. Bananas promises to take her pills and accidentally swallows Corrinna’s hearing aid, which apparently fell in the pill bottle. Corrinna heads out the door, announcing she’s headed to Australia with Billy for an ear operation. Ronnie shows up with his box:
                 RONNIE: Pop, I’m going to blow up the Pope. (48)

Honestly? Goddammit…

            No one pays him any attention. Corrinna offers up her two tickets to see the Pope. Ronnie grabs the tickets, but the nuns chase after him. Someone comes to arrest Ronnie for being AWOL and joins the chase. They catch him. Ronnie gives the nuns the tickets. He gives Corrinna his bomb, which is wrapped as a gift. The nuns leave. Corrinna leaves, but first invites Artie out to Hollywood. Someone comes to take Bananas to the institution, but gets mixed up and takes Bunny instead. So, almost everyone is out in the hallway when an explosion happens. Yep, the bomb goes off in the hall. End scene. So, still zero laughs, but I feel like this play is supposed to be a comedy. With that in mind, I predicted that the explosion would fix Corrinna’s hearing.

            The next scene starts up with Billy sobbing, having had to come identify Corrinna’s blown up body. She fucking died?! I guess I was wrong. Bananas enters and seems to be her most cognizant with Billy. One of the nuns shows up again. The other two were killed. Ronnie’s in jail. And the worst part of all, in all the grief and pain and anger surrounding Ronnie’s triple murder, Artie is still trying to push his songs on Billy. But Bunny swoops in again, and raises the bar of selfishness/tackiness/insensitivity:

     BUNNY: Mr. Einhorn, I met your friend today before Hiroshima Mon Amour happened out there…Deaf starlets. That’s no life…Crying and explanations won’t bring her back. Mr. Einhorn, if it took all this to get you here, I kiss the calendar for today. Grief puts erasers in my ears. My world is kept a beautiful place. Artie…I feel a song coming on. (59)

Somehow, Billy isn’t offended. On the contrary, Bunny cooks Billy a bite to eat and suddenly Billy is ready “drop off Corrinna’s body” and fly Bunny to Australia in his dead girlfriend’s place (60). Are you kidding me?!

            Adding to this mess, apparently no one figured out the explosion was Ronnie’s fault. I guess he’s only in jail for being AWOL, not for killing half the cast. Billy pulls some strings to not only get Ronnie out of jail, but to have him sent to Rome instead of Vietnam like everyone else. The surviving nun says “maybe when I take my final vows I can cross my fingers and they won’t count” (61). As in, she wants to keep herself available for Ronnie. Good grief!

            Billy leaves with Bunny, but not before telling Artie to stay with Bananas, to not send her to the house of blue leaves. So Artie and Bananas are all alone. Bananas forgives Artie for Bunny and promises to be better. Then she sits and barks like a dog. Rather than try to put the ending into words, I can only repeat what John Guare wrote because it’s too fucking ridiculous. I don’t want to believe it, but:

     Bananas begins barking. She crawls on all fours. She barks happily. She wags her behind. She licks Artie’s hands. Artie looks at her. He touches the piano. She rubs her face against his pants leg, nuzzling him. She whimpers happily. She barks. She sits up, begging, her hands tucked under her chin. Her hands swing out. She knocks the music on the floor. She rubs her face into Artie’s legs. He pats her head. She is thrilled. He kneels down in front of her. He is crying. He touches her face. She beams. She licks his hand. He kisses her. He strokes her throat. He looks away. He holds her. He kisses her fully. She kisses him. He leans into her. She looks up at him with a beautiful smile as his hands go softly on her throat as if she had always been waiting for this. He kisses her temples, her cheeks. His hands tighten around her throat. Their bodies blend as he moves on top of her. He lays her body gently on the floor. Soft piano music plays. The stage begins to change. Blue leaves begin to filter all over the room until it looks like Artie is standing in a forest of leaves that are blue. A blue spotlight appears D. and he steps into it. He is very happy and smiles at us. (64)

Then he sings a song and the play ends.

WHAT?! Are you serious?! After all that, he kills her? Is Bananas happy he kills her? Is it supposed to be a mercy killing? Or out of frustration that everything Artie worked toward during the whole play just vanished out the door? Does he end up going crazy himself? Is this really supposed to a comedy?

After Act I, I said The House of Blue Leaves was probably the worst thing I’ve ever read. Now, having read the full script, I can confidently say that this book has topped all others (or should I say bottomed) as the absolute worst book I’ve ever seen. Artie and Bunny are two of the most despicable characters I’ve ever seen. What makes it worse is that Bunny gets swept off an Australian vacation with a hotshot Hollywood producer, and Artie may be committed in the end, but he’s happy. Artie’s a bigger douche than Socrates or Reverend Eddie or even Faustus, plus he gets away with it.

Plato’s Five Dialogues may be the dumbest thing I’ve read, Pearl S. Buck’s The Good Earth may be the most boring thing I’ve ever read, and up until this script I might have said that Ernest Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea was my least favorite book. But without a doubt, John Guare has set a new low. Review #20 marks a huge milestone for me in my lifetime as a reader. The House of Blue Leaves is the worst thing I’ve ever read. It even took me half a year to bring myself up to writing about it…

But if you’re reading this review and John Guare’s romp through mental illness, adultery, and death sounds right up your alley, you’re in luck! There are two recommendations at the back of the book:

Knock Knock: A Farce by Jules Feiffer

     …Cohn, an atheistic ex-musician is the housekeeper “half” of this “odd couple.” Abe, an agnostic ex-stockbroker is the practical “half.” They have lived together for twenty years – are bored to tears with one another and constantly squabble. Cohn, exasperated, wishes for intelligent company and on the scene enters one Wiseman who appears in many roles and is part Mephistopheles, part Groucho Marx. The Joan of Arc appears before the couple telling them her mission is to recruit two of every species for a spaceship trip to heaven. After that all antic hell breaks loose and continues to a mad ending…

Little Murders: A Comedy by Jules Feiffer

     …A modern metropolitan family of matriarchal mother, milquetoast father, normal cuddly sister, and brother who is trying to adapt himself to homosexuality. Sister’s fiancé is a fellow who knows how to roll with the punches; he figures that if you daydream while being mugged, it won’t hurt so much. They have a hard time finding a preacher who will marry them without pronouncing the name of God. But they succeed, to their sorrow. For immediately afterward sister is killed by a sniper’s bullet. A detective who has a stack of unsolved crimes suspects that there is a “subtle pattern” forming here. ‘Little Murders’ is fantastically funny. (80)

…

…What the hell?

 

Verdict (Is the book staying or going?): For the love of God and all that is holy, this book is going!

 

Works Cited

Guare, John. The House of Blue Leaves. New York: Samuel French Inc, 1971. Print.

19. Birds of Prey

Book: Birds of Prey: Brightest Day Issues #1-4

Author: Gail Simone

Number of pages: 128 (32 per issue)

What I’m watching: TV: Bones, South Park, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

What I’m playing: Marble Blast Ultra, Fallout: New Vegas

 

 

 

 

 

 

            I know I selected Plato in hopes of getting rid of it, but it was so bad that I wanted a quick and easy pick me up. I thought what better than comics? Birds of Prey: Brightest Day is a little four-issue series, and, lucky me, I’ve got all four.

ISSUE #1

            The story opens up with a hostage situation on top of an isolated Icelandic mountain. Dinah Lance is trying to stop some asshole who is holding a gun to a little girl’s head. With the comic book medium, I get to follow Dinah’s inner monologue. While talking to Chasco (the asshole (almost rhymes)), she thinks, “I know what it’s like to lose a child, even if Sin wasn’t really my daughter” (3). Damn, how can it be the first issue and I’m already missing important backstory? Nothing should come before 1! I was hoping for a self-contained story within the four comic books, but I guess that was too much to ask for. At first, I was hoping this was all some in media res technique, but no. Turns out there is a much larger context built from I don’t know how many other comic book series. I’ll just have to move on, not knowing who Sin is. Luckily, the comic gives a little help to new readers by introducing all the Birds of Prey members.

I did know a small amount about the Birds of Prey before reading this. I heard of it because of my interest in Batman. All I knew was that Barbara Gordon joins it some time after becoming Oracle. I knew there was someone named Black Canary, though I knew absolutely nothing about her. So, my Birds of Prey knowledge was equal to about one minute’s worth of Wikipedia reading.

Soon, Oracle makes her appearance, as well as Lady Blackhawk, a WWII fighter pilot who somehow is not old or dead, and a vigilante named Huntress:

Hey! She’s the one from Knightfall I didn’t recognize – how about that! Well, I finally know who she is, or at least, what her name is. And her poses and outfit still look like something fitting the Hawkeye Initiative.

I get the feeling I’m missing information during Oracle’s inner monologue as well. She’s working at the Batcomputer and thinks, “It’s possible Dick or Alfred decided to make the Batcave wheelchair-friendly. But I bet it was Bruce. Always a lot more caring than he ever let on. Like someone else whose name I won’t mention” (12). Who else is there? And come on Barbara, you’re thinking to yourself and you can’t mention the name to yourself, in your head?

Then, I’m introduced to the final two members of the Birds of Prey: Hawk, Avatar of War and Dove, Avatar of Peace:

Are they some kind of yin-yang duo? I think that’d be a pretty cool concept. I really like Dove’s design, though I don’t understand how “she is the conscience of the superhero community” (15). What does that even mean? I’m also confused about Hawk. He died but is alive again somehow? I’m pretty lost with the story so far. Yet, there’s lots of action, superheroes beating up criminals, which is easy enough to follow.

            Okay, maybe Hawk and Dove aren’t members yet, because they only first meet Black Canary this issue. I don’t know. The larger story starts arcing when Oracle is sent a package of files detailing secret identities, addresses, and more of both superheroes and villains, including the Birds of Prey. The package also comes with a threat to go public with the information and that people on the list will start dying if the Birds of Prey “refuse to play” (21). I’m not sure what the game is.

            They get summoned á la a Bird version of the Bat-signal, believing the mysterious file-sender behind it. They’re right. The mystery person is there but obscured by the bright signal light, along with the Penguin. Black Canary can make out that the mystery person is a woman, and thinks it may be Shiva. Alright, Penguin and Shiva – it feels good to finally recognize a couple more names. She kicks their asses and shoves an arrow in Penguin’s throat.

I guess whatever agreement she and Penguin had made is off now. The story ends this issue by finally revealing what she looks like.

White Canary, huh? Interesting. Don’t know her either, though. She did hint at knowing Black Canary personally. Cool. I’m enjoying the read, although I’m stumbling through a little blind of context.

            Issue #1 also includes a little preview of a Green Arrow: Brightest Day comic. There’s not much to it. A bunch of armed thugs chase a young woman through a forest. It seems like they’re going to rape her, which makes me hate them. They catch her, but then Green Arrow shows up and starts shooting them (with arrows, of course!). And since they were about to rape someone, I don’t feel too sorry for them.

ISSUE #2

            The action picks up right where #1 left off. The Birds of Prey get a second wind, only to get their asses handed to them again. They do manage a couple good hits, though. Oracle hears on the news that Chasco the Asshole died and the media is blaming Black Canary. Police show up to arrest the Birds of Prey, and White Canary disappears, again threatening to kill each of them, one by one.

            Unrelated to the story, there’s an ad for an Aquaman comic. He’s definitely not high on my list of favorite superheroes, but I have to admit, he looks awesome in the picture.

            The Birds of Prey resist arrest and run, heading for Penguin’s Iceberg Lounge, which he says is safe. I don’t know why they’re so trusting of Penguin. And speaking of Penguin, for a guy who’s supposed to be dying, he still manages to act like a perv.

He’s staring right at her boobs! No shame.

            The story cuts to Oracle, who is sent a video transmission by a guy named Creote. Creote tells her that another guy named Savant was killed by White Canary because of his association with Oracle. Creote “tried to keep his heart beating with [his] hands” (20). That’s pretty intense. Then Creote shoots himself in the head. That’s pretty intense too. It’s probably a really big deal that these two characters died, but I’ve never heard of them before, so I don’t know.

            It cuts back to Penguin, calling Dove “the dear, lovely child with the softly pillowy bosom” (21). I called it! Penguin’s being a total pervert. He’s boob-mad! Issue #2 ends with the media destroying Black Canary’s reputation, Oracle pissed at White Canary, and the rest of the Birds of Prey heading to the Iceberg Lounge with an injured and horny Penguin in tow.

            This issue previews a Jonah Hex comic, with him acting like his usual Wild West-ish, morally gray, Jonah Hex-y self.

ISSUE #3

            Part 3 opens with Black Canary, Lady Blackhawk, Huntress, Hawk, Dove, and Penguin all at the Iceberg Lounge. I thought Penguin’s lust was bad in Issue #2, but it’s nothing compared to the opening of #3. In his blood loss, he imagines all the women posing, undressing, and making out with him. I feel a little dirty watching Penguin's horny thoughts.

Everyone is hanging out, but are interrupted when a bunch of “rogue cops” raid the place, and fighting ensues (12). In the middle of the action¹ there’s this really weird moment between Dove and Penguin.

I have absolutely no idea what the hell just happened. Penguin looked like some Bizarro Superman for a second. WTF?

            There's another advertisement that I notice. It's for hair dye. The brand is Splat, and its draw is "Rebellious Colors." But reading the names of the colors, it's not about rebelling: it's about sex. Come on, "Lusty Lavender," "Blue Envy," "Luscious Raspberries," "Pink Fetish"? This ad just weirds me out.

            Meanwhile, Oracle’s got her own shit going on. That’s pretty much how it’s been this whole time, with her staying in the Batcave alone lending support. Though now Savant and Creote show up in the Batcave, perfectly alive and healthy, and kidnap Oracle. From what I can infer, Savant is a bad guy-turned good-turned bad again, and Creote is his lackey. They staged their death (Why? I don’t know. Just to mess with her?), and now they want her to reveal her identity to the public.

            Back at the battle at Iceberg Lounge, White Canary appears and fatally wounds Hawk. Apparently, just being able to injure Hawk at all is supposed to be difficult, so White Canary must be pretty formidable. Black Canary goes after her, and Huntress tells her to kill White Canary. Black Canary and White Canary fight on a rooftop for a bit, and White Canary taunts her, saying “I will void my bladder on [the] broken corpses [of your families]” (30). Who says “void my bladder”? Just say piss!² Black Canary realizes who White Canary is, but it isn’t revealed to the reader yet. Issue #3 ends with White Canary hinting that Penguin is leading the others to their death as they leave the lounge.

            No little bonus preview at the end of this issue. So far, it’s an intriguing story, but there’s too much backstory for each of the characters that I don’t know, making it hard to understand everything that’s happening. Turns out I can’t even follow Barbara Gordon’s story that well because these Savant and Creote guys are unknown to me.

ISSUE #4

            Part 4 of 4 opens with White Canary’s birth. Nineteen years ago, she was born during a storm in China. The mother died due to complications including not being at a hospital. The father was expecting a son and wanted the baby killed after he heard it was a girl. However, lightning struck the man sent to kill the baby. The father saw it as an omen and decided to keep her and train her with her older brothers.

I also get a little more backstory of Black Canary. Turns out one of her uncles was a Green Lantern. That’s cool. She had a second superhero uncle that I didn’t recognize. Wow. “It’s a whole family of supers!”

            The two canaries fight some more, and Black Canary calls White Canary “Silk Sister” (6). Some more backstory that I didn’t know: I guess Black Canary beat all dozen of Silk Sister’s brothers. So this makes the whole story a simple albeit fierce revenge. I enjoyed a moment during the fight when Black Canary was running out of strategies and thought, “there’s one thing left that I’m really good at. And that’s &^%$ with people’s heads” (6).³ Ha!

            Cut to Oracle. Turns out that two years ago Savant had been tortured for two days because of his association with Oracle. He is still upset at Oracle because he has no concept of time, so for him the torture is still fresh in his mind and those two days seemed like forever. So, is he called Savant because he actually has a form of autism? That’s pretty tacky. What would Marvel’s version be named? Autismo? The Aspurglar? Of course it’s totally fine that a character has autism in the story, but the name Savant works as a label for him, defining him by his mental disorder. His autism is his identity. I just see that as poor taste.

            Back to Penguin and the other Birds of Prey. He stabs Lady Blackhawk and holds her hostage with his umbrella sword. He reveals to them how Savant was responsible for obtaining the files. He believes his deal with Silk Sister is intact. His injury was a part of the plan, even though it’s worse than he expected. He wants the files for himself.

            Black Canary and Silk Sister fight more. They sure have fought a lot over this story arc. The action’s been decent all throughout the comics, but there hasn’t really been anything that stood out as memorable. Black Canary recalls more of her encounter with Silk Sister’s brothers. Even with help from others, Black Canary only met a stalemate with them. Silk Sister said that the stalemate shamed her family’s honor, so she beat all her brothers to death. I’m going to go ahead and say she’s mental.

            Back again to Oracle. Savant admits that he’s not there to kill Barbara. He came to kill himself to end his suffering. He steps off a ledge but Oracle jumps out of her chair to catch him. That’s right. She’s paralyzed below the waist but she’s “practiced this move many times. Forceful ejection from the chair without the use of [her] legs. It’s always painful” (23). Damn, Barbara Gordon is pretty badass. Creote doesn’t help lift them up because he knows Savant wants to die. After Savant and Oracle struggle awhile, Creote decides to help. Savant did not want help, but Oracle tells him Creote acted out of love (30). So, I guess it’s a happy resolution for them?

            Hawk is dying. He tells Dove that he hopes to stay dead this time. It’s unclear if he actually dies or just loses consciousness. Dove loses her temper and knocks out Penguin with a punch to his face, breaking a few of his teeth. It is pretty gratifying to see after Penguin’s been such an asshole. And to have Dove be the one who does it is also very satisfying, because she’s always been the calm and patient one. But I guess if we were to follow the yin-yang interpretation of Hawk and Dove, with Hawk’s apparent death, the yang side is gone, throwing off the balance that existed with both of them. Also, the symbol depicts both yin and yang containing a small aspect of the other. Arguably, though Dove’s role is the yin half, she does have her own inner yang. It’s just a thought.

            Black Canary and Silk Sister are still going at it. Black Canary tackles Silk Sister, sending them both out a window. They fall far and land hard on the back of a van. Black Canary fights passing out long enough to handcuff Silk Sister. The issue ends with Silk Sister revealing to Black Canary that it was Shiva who killed Chasco in order to frame Black Canary. Silk Sister offers to work with Black Canary to kill Shiva together.

            So much for this four-issue series being a self-contained story. I was behind on important backstory before I started. I was lost a lot during the action in the middle. And even with White Canary apprehended, the story doesn’t really end. But that’s the nature of comics, to always lead forward to something new and exciting. I had hoped for a straightforward story with a clear beginning and end, but I didn’t really expect it. Instead, reading these comics would be like only watching the Battle of Hoth but not knowing a thing about Star Wars. It's entertaining, but without the surrounding context, the viewer would be lost and confused. May the Fourth be with you.

 

Verdict (Is the book staying or going?): Going. I read it. It was fun, but I didn’t understand half of it and I don’t think I’ll read it again.

 

Notes

1. Or in Latin: in medias res.

2. I think that was Nancy Reagan’s lesser known anti-drugs campaign.

3. I realize that as I type out the comic book curse, it is [Shift] + 7654. $#@! is 4321. I wonder how many comic book curses are based on sequential shifting.

Works Cited

Simone, Gail (w) and Ed Benes (a). “Endrun: Without Breaking a Few Eggs.”

            Birds of Prey: Brightest Day #1. DC Comics: July 2010. Print.

Simone, Gail (w), Ed Benes and Adriana Melo (p), and Ed Benes and Mariah

            Benes (i). “Endrun: The Rage of the White Canary.” Birds of Prey:

            Brightest Day #2. DC Comics: Aug 2010. Print.

---. “Endrun: Whistling Past the Gravestones.” Birds of Prey: Brightest Day #3.

            DC Comics: Sep 2010. Print.

Simone, Gail (w), Ed Benes and Adriana Melo (p), and Ed Benes and J.P.
            Mayer (i). “Endrun: Impact Fracture.” Birds of Prey: Brightest Day #4. DC
            Comics: Oct 2010. Print.